Woody Allen: His Best Film Quotes

Posted by Simply HE on

The writer, director, stand-up comic and jazz musician was born
Allan Stewart Konigsberg in 1935, in New York. His career spans more than 50 years and to date he has won three Oscars for Best Screenplay, and a Best Director statue for Annie Hall.

Here’s a trivia challenge for you. Which Woody Allen film features the quote:


I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland?


Read our selection of some of his best one-liners to find the answer.


Enjoy a selection of some of his best.

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable”

Annie Hall (1977)

“To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition”

– Stardust Memories (1980)

“Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

“What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.”

Radio Days (1987)

“Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.”

Annie Hall (1977)

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland?

Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

Love & Death (1975)

“I don't tan, I stroke.”

Play It Again Sam (1972)

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

Husbands and Wives (1992)

“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

– Interiors (1978)

“Marriage? That’s for life! It’s like cement!”

– What’s New, Pussycat (1965)

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.”

– Take the Money and Run (1969)


We can’t leave you without reminding you of his best personal one-liners from his days as a stand-up comic.

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height” (1964)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” (1975)

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” (1973)

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.” (1996)

“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job” (1979)

I believe there is something out there watching over us – unfortunately it's the government.” (2012)

“I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.” (1964)

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me


Browse our collection of Woody Allen films on DVD

If you have a favourite Woody Allen quote, share it with us below.

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